A Letter of Love

My Love,

My life began the moment that I met you. Nothing that came before you in my life made sense. I was lost in a world of numbness, traveling the path of life on a clouded course. I could not see all the beauty that you have shown me. Through your eyes, I was able to experience things I could have never known otherwise.

When we touched, I felt the freedom of eagles soar through my veins and the peace of the dove light on my heart. I was able to feel the wind in my face and the warmth of the sun upon my skin. For the first time I was able to feel the agony of loneliness when we were apart and the passion of desire when our eyes again would meet.

Through your kiss, I was able to taste all the sweetness that life and love have to offer and yet with this sweetness come the bitter truth in the words that escaped your lips. The sorrow of a shattered dream weighed on my mind as I heard those words repeatedly, “I’m not ready. I can’t be the man you need me to be.”

Still you called upon me in times of need. You whispered soft tenderness into my soul with the smoothest of tones. Your words that were so harsh had moments of chivalry and charm, like poetry to my soul. You spoke of our friendship in terms of eternity, and our love as never dying, but left it as a love of friendship not passion and romance.

You offered your hand when I was in need and caught me when I fell. You spoke my name as your lover, your friend, and the one that you knew would always be there. You told others that you loved me but could not tell me.

You put a ring upon my finger and knelt before me with a promise that we would always be as one and that one day we would make it official. Still your harsh words lingered in my mind and soul. Tears flood over me as I think of the way your tears fell when you thought that I was unable to go on the way it was.

You offered to take me in and help me if I wanted to escape the life that held me captive and yet I could not go. I wanted you; I need you, for more than you were willing to give. If only you had said, you wanted me there, if only you had asked me to stay. I would not have been able to resist.

So much time was lost in the fear that I was pushing you into unhappiness. All that I ever wanted was your happiness. You deserved to be free, to have all of your dreams come true, to see the world the way that only you could. I wanted your freedom, yet in the same breath, I hoped that you would choose me.

I remember wanting to ask you “Is it not of your essence to send love out before you receive it?” I can recall wanting to say, “Tell me first that you want me, that you need me. Show me that your love is true, and stand beside me no matter what happens. Do not allow your own weakness to stand between the two of us finding happiness,” the words remained silently tucked away inside of me.

Instead, I ask that you remain with me only in spirit. I pray you find joy and love in abundance and that you share it with all of those that surround you so it may be returned to you. I hope that you dance freely, sing loudly, and let your voice be heard by many. I wish for you to find peace and happiness in all that you do, all that you are, and all that we once shared.

For you I would give my life that you might live in health, wealth, and happiness for all eternity. My spirit bound to you only in love and light will remain forever yours but because I love you so deeply, I set you free.

I know that if you would return of your own free will, here is where you will remain. I have no regrets, no sorrows, and no pain just as I wish for you. I hope that every light you see is another door on the journey of happiness that is open to you and that darkness does not find you.

With all that, I am and all I will ever become know that for eternity you are always welcome wherever I may be.

My heart belongs to you always,

Your love

Muse

Distantly I hear the lonesome echo of the early morning train as it rumbles down the track. The stillnes is interruted by the slight vibration of the train as it passes by not far from my home.

The house is so quiet the whispering sighs of my sleeping children can be heard mingling with the sound of the clock ticking on the wall. Every now and then the sound of a gentle snore will creep in from the other end of the house.

The crickets are quieted as the chill of winter has set in and the only other sounds that can be heard are those that waft in on the breeze from the nearby turnpike. The sound of the cars traveling through the night to reach their destination before the traffic consumes the highway causes my mind to wander to distant places. I wonder where they are going and what they are going to see when they get there.

I listen to the sound of my own heart beating as I pause between keystrokes and I realize that within all the silence is a calm that relaxes me. Still, I wonder how it is that in all the quiet I still cannot find the serenity that I once felt in my heart. Is it that somewhere deep within me I feel a sense of sadness at the loss of a love that only Spirit can explain; that love that is so rare that only once in a lifetime does anyone find it? I suppose that could be the answer. I pause again in the hope that the answer will somehow magically find its way to me, but alas, there is nothing; only silence.

My passion and desires are all wrapped up in the moments from my past that brought me such joy. He was the one that set my soul ablaze with passion, contentment, and laughter. He gave me what no other had ever given me; he gave me hope. Within this friendship a bond like no other was found. We traveled together in spirit though our feet were seldom on the same path.

Still, after all of this time, I feel as though we are intertwined, our spirits mingling for eternity. It is as though we are one and with each breath I take I feel as though I am breathing life into my memories. A stirring inside me causes me to sigh as I picture him so vividly I can make out the small imperfections of his skin and the strands of hair that gently touched the top of his ear.

I can see so clearly the sadness of his heart and yet it was clouded to others by the bright light of his laughter. I feel him as if he is right next to me whispering the words that I type tonight. I know that as I tap out each line he is guiding me. As he has always done, he will continue to inspire and enlighten me.

Merely Hopeless

Inside of me there is a sadness that burns slowly. My soul is wounded and scarred. These embers do not rage with fiery flames; No, they burn ever so slowly, torturing me from within. Love can cool the suffering, ease the pain, yet for me it continues to be an agony that I can get no relief from.

Typically, one could call me a hopeless romantic, now, they merely call me hopeless. The love that I have worked so hard to maintain is not love of the heart but a love of convenience. It is a comfort to others to have this steadfast woman watching over them, to see that she shall remain no matter the discomfort she may feel.

How long must I feel as though I am dying inside? My soul is shattered and I can barely breathe Some days it seems there is no reason to continue on. He does not see that he is the weapon that will rip the next wound into my spirit and destroy my hope. He does not see that he is the one that decides our outcome, not me.

How many times must I accept the lies as his truths? How many times must I be set aside in order for him to give way to selfish, lustful thoughts and fantasies? Surely he must know, at least somewhere inside of himself, that I love him and that the lies are far worse than the acts of fantasy infidelity.

How many times will I have to continue to take the blame for what I have not done in order for him to rationalize what he has done? His actions speak so much louder than his words. He speaks of love undying. He says that I am the only one for him and that he is amazed at the beauty that remains after all of these years; yet, I am not enough.

Feeling You

There is a hint of your cologne lingering upon each whisper of the wind. The leaves swirl at my feet and the memories dance in my mind. The memories of the love we shared carry me through the moments without you. My passion is replaced with lonely but my love remains unchanged.

I watch silently as the sun settles into the horizon in a picture perfect canvas of color until the darkness of the night sky overcomes me. The trees in the distance fade into the background, mere shadows beneath the light of the rising moon. I pause for a moment to soak in all of the beauty that surrounds me and breathe a sigh of gratitude to Spirit.

I can hear your voice whispering softly to me. It is a familiar sound though when I look around me I can not see you. The memories are so vivid I find it hard to distinguish memory from reality.

Peaceful as the River Flows

On the surface it does not show
Peaceful as the river flows
But silent is the rage below
As on and on our love does go

From bank to bank and in between
Flowing gently rolling free
Then suddenly on bended knee
My love is asking too much of me

I can not please him or give in
I do not know how I must begin
To regain what might have been
Still somehow I'll try again

Peaceful as the river flows
On the surface it does not show
But silent is the rage below
So now it's time to let him go

Our Demise

There are times I feel my soul bleeding from the mere sound of his voice. The words of discontent pulsate through me and my heart races at the thought of running. My mind prays for an escape but does not know how.

I can not see clearly the path that lay before me but I see us divided and the end coming ever closer. It is as though we are teetering on the edge of a cliff with the hope that the rocks beneath us do not give way.

Torn and scattered are the memories of the love that once tied us together as the evil has destroyed all that remained of that love. His lust, my depression, our greed and deceit, no truths be left that can rebuild the foundation that we picked apart piece by piece. The hammer slowly chipped away one fragment at a time the stone that at one time could have stood for a lifetime.

Like a volcano that erupted without warning our lives became so full of hatred we exploded and our love turned to ash that has cooled over the years. No longer do we burn for one another in passion and desire, now we are cold and unfeeling.

What remains is a tie that belongs to the apron around my waste and the leash upon his neck. he does not respect me and I have lost my respect for him. We are lost and confused hoping to rebuild what nearly seems hopeless.

I know you are still there

The rain makes me sleepy. I feel the urge to close my eyes and shut off the rest of the world for the day. I want to sleep and dream of all that I once had and all that I once believed in.


So much time has come to pass and numerous changes have taken place, still, my heart can not forget you. I know you are still with me. I feel you from time to time brushing my shoulder or reminding me of things of the past.


It is not easy to let go of the hope that maybe one day I will wake from this nightmare and you will be here. Alas, I know that this is impossible. I know that my time with you is over still a part of me can not let go. I don't want to.

I dream about you often, about places I have never seen in life. I know that you are trying to tell me something but I don't know what it is. I'm not sure that I will ever know.

(photo by Daisy Nelson)